November 2010

For much of the last 4 weeks I have been either on my back orsitting up when I could. On October 29th I had surgery to repair a Bi-Lateral  tear in my Inguenal wall.

I had mad arrangments to be off the following week, and work from home as I could thinking this would not be a big deal.

I was wrong!!!

The first 2 weeks following surgery, I was in so much pain, I could hardly move. the 3rd week was one of extreme discomfort, and the first half of the 4th week has been moderately uncomfortable.

I still throb after moving around for any length of time but it is getting better.

I have been given the OK to get back to work next Monday which will be exactly a month from the surgery.

While my Doctor had me opened up, he also repaired an issue with a prior surgical a few yesrs ago, when I had undergone an orchiectomy. The surgeon for that process had left several inches of the spermatic cord because of the type of procedure. Rarher than an inguinal orchidectomy, he had performed a scrotal orchiectomy  which left the nerves surrounding the spermatic cord intact causing a lot of pain in my groin and down my leg.

Winter 2010

As women, we look upon our breasts as part of the definition of our gender, but there are many other pieces to this puzzle.

For a woman born into the female body, there are the memories of growing up Sugar and spice, And everything nice, because That's what little girls are made of.

Growing into puberty and experiencing all of the wondrous (and not so wondrous) changes of womanhood, and turning into the women that everyone always took for granted they would grow to be.

But for the women that were only born with a female brain, and the deep knowledge that nothing in their world was right,  our Breasts are one of the most visual indicators of who and what we are.

I know of many situations where when faced with breast cancer, Women feel that the possibility of losing their breasts due to mastectomy often leaves them feeling like less of a woman.

But to a Transsexual woman (and I really can speak only for myself) the same situation not only faces the same possibility of being less of a woman, but casts doubts of womanhood entirely.

Does Fate try to undo the decisions we made to transition?

Is this God's way of saying not to mess with His work?, or is this just another step in the path to life's end?

I am having a hard time reconciling that these tribulations, when stacked end to end are what God feels we can handle.

I have triumphed over some major events in my life. I have beaten serious illness, and I have survived broken relationships, and financial ruin.

I have not come through these things unscathed.

I have learned some very valuable lessons, and I have lost the ability to feel.

My heart feels cold, even to me. My friendships have been damaged beyond repair, and I struggle to find anything to care about.

I exist because I am expected to. not because I want to.

I'm not saying that I don't want to live, but that I feel that I don't have a reason to.